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Observations - the list is here

A huge collection of one-liners that'll put a smile on your face. There is some really funny stuff here. The list isn't long enuff, so I'm still collecting more. Is it enough or enuff. The English language needs work, don't ya think?


I suppose we all call these 'One Liners'. . .
  1. Education is what you get from reading the small print in a contract. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
  2. You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
  3. Consider the postage stamp; its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
  4. Isn’t it interesting that Americans have more time-saving devices and less time than any other group of people in the world.
  5. God grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
  6. Is nothing in life ever straight and clear, the way children see it?
  7. In youth we learn; in age we understand.
  8. One hundred years form now, it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much money I had, nor what my clothes looked like. But the world may be a little better, the universe a little brighter, because I was important to a child.
  9. You can buy education, but wisdom is a gift from God.
  10. A little ignorance can go a long way.
  11. We cannot lead someone else to the light while we are standing in the dark.
  12. Ability will enable a man to get to the top, but it takes character to keep him there.
  13. Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it.
  14. A man’s body is remarkably sensitive. Pat him on the back and his head swells.
  15. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
  16. Marriage gives to two questioning natures a reason for living, and something to live for; it will give a new gladness to the sunshine, a new fragrance to the flowers, a new beauty to the earth, and a new mystery to life. Mark Twain
  17. It is easier to build boys than to mend men.
  18. Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
  19. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
  20. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
  21. Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  22. The light at the end of the tunnel is really the headlight of an approaching train.
  23. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  24. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  25. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
  26. When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
  27. The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
  28. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
  29. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  30. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
  31. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  32. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  33. Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
  34. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
  35. If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
  36. The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again.
  37. If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
  38. The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.
  39. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
  40. If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
  41. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
  42. A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves.
  43. A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they should be doing.
  44. A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
  45. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer than expected. A carefully planned project will only take twice as long.
  46. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
  47. While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
  48. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
  49. It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
  50. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
  51. Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
  52. Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
  53. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
  54. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
  55. The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
  56. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
  57. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
  58. You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
  59. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
  60. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
  61. The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
  62. All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
  63. By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
  64. Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
  65. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
  66. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
  67. Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
  68. If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
  69. A day without sunshine is like night.
  70. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn or a porcupine.
  71. A penny saved is ridiculous.
  72. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  73. Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
  74. All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
  75. Enjoy life. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening.
  76. We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the present with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who screwed us in the past.
  77. Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.
  78. Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"
  79. To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands afterwards.
  80. A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.
  81. When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.
  82. If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give it a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn it.
  83. They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
  84. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  85. God gave man a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.
  86. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
  87. No one dies a virgin. Life screws us all.
  88. It is better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you are stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
  89. You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, she is beautiful because you love her.
  90. Its not whether you get knocked down. Its whether you get up again.
  91. Some days you’re a pigeon and some days you’re a statue.
  92. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
  93. A man wants to be a woman’s first love. A woman wants to be his last.
  94. I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.
  95. Never tell your problems to anyone. 20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
  96. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.
  97. Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear.
  98. Never underestimate stupid people in large groups.
  99. The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.
  100. Forgive your enemies, but never, never forget their names.
  101. Every great achievement was once considered impossible.
  102. God didn’t really create the world in 7 days. He messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
  103. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
  104. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
  105. Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol.
  106. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
  107. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  108. There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
  109. What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry.
  110. Always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
  111. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
  112. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
  113. Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
  114. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  115. Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.
  116. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
  117. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  118. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  119. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
  120. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  121. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
  122. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
  123. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
  124. School lunches stick to the wall.
  125. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  126. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
  127. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
  128. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
  129. Remember the strong oak tree in your backyard is just a nut that held its ground.
  130. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  131. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
  132. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
  133. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
  134. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
  135. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
  136. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
  137. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they put them.
  138. One of life's mysteries is how a two-ounce bag of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
  139. I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
  140. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
  141. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
  142. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
  143. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  144. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
  145. Inside some of us is thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake
  146. The shortest distance between a problem and the solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
  147. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest player in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
  148. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
  149. A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
  150. If pro is opposite of con, then congress is the opposite of progress.
  151. Sign over a men's restroom urinal: Express Lane: Five beers or less
  152. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
  153. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!
  154. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  155. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
  156. Sign in a men's restroom in a bar: No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
  157. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  158. God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
  159. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" It's "Hi, how are you?"
  160. Beauty is only a light switch away.
  161. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
  162. I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
  163. Sign in a women's restroom: The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
  164. Man who run in front of car get tired.
  165. Man who run in back of car get exhausted.
  166. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  167. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  168. War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
  169. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
  170. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
  171. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
  172. Man who passes gas in church sit in own pew.
  173. Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
  174. Foolish man give wife grand piano; wise man give wife upright organ.
  175. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
  176. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  177. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
  178. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
  179. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
  180. It takes many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
  181. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
  182. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
  183. Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
  184. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  185. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
  186. Life is sexually transmitted.
  187. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  188. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  189. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
  190. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  191. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  192. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  193. About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
  194. Experience is a marvelous thing.  It enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  195. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
  196. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  197. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  198. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  199. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  200. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  201. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  202. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  203. Since the early worm gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
  204. The second mouse gets the cheese.
  205. Drive very fast so you won’t have to worry about cholesterol.
  206. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
  207. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
  208. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  209. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  210. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
  211. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
  212. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  213. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  214. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  215. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  216. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.
  217. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  218. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened!
  219. Have you noticed how many political jokes get elected?
  220. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
  221. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea"
  222. Have you ever seen a cat suffer from insomnia?
  223. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
  224. Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living; the other helps you make a life.
  225. Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes.
  226. A child tells in the street what his father says at home.
  227. Miracles happen to those who believe in them.
  228. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
  229. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not break.
  230. Keep your ideals high enough to inspire you and low enough to encourage you.
  231. Experience is the best teacher, and considering what it costs, it should be.
  232. Ah, the insight of hindsight!
  233. Great occasions for serving God come seldom, but little ones surround us daily.
  234. There are many ways to measure success, not the least of which is the way your child describes you when talking to a friend.
  235. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
  236. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
  237. 43.3% of statistics are meaningless
  238. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
  239. Incontinence Hotline... "Can you hold, please?"
  240. Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
  241. If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
  242. Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
  243. How nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  244. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  245. A penny saved is a government oversight.
  246. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  247. He who hesitates is probably right.
  248. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  249. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  250. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  251. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
  252. If someone is shooting at you, you know you are doing something right.
  253. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take away our breath.
  254. "Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education." - Bertrand Russell
  255. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a flat tire.
  256. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  257. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  258. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  259. No one is listening until you fart.
  260. Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.
  261. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  262. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  263. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  264. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  265. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  266. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  267. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  268. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  269. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  270. Don't squat with your spurs on.
  271. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  272. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
  273. Some days you're the bug and some days you're the windshield.
  274. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
  275. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  276. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  277. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  278. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side and it holds the universe together.
  279. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  280. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
  281. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  282. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  283. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
  284. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  285. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  286. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  287. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  288. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  289. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  290. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  291. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  292. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  293. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  294. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  295. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  296. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  297. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  298. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  299. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  300. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  301. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  302. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  303. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  304. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  305. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  306. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  307. If you wait by the river long enough, eventually you will see the bodies of all your enemies float by.
  308. One major difference between men and women is that a woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
  309. You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  310. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  311. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  312. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  313. It is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.
  314. You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
  315. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
  316. Don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
  317. We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
  318. 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
  319. There is a fine line between genius and insanity.
  320. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  321. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  322. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
  323. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  324. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.
  325. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  326. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
  327. Most of us will go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
  328. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
  329. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors. But, they all exist very nicely in the same box.
  330. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
  331. Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
  332. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
  333. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  334. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
  335. If you woke up breathing, you have another chance.
  336. Never lick a steak knife.
  337. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  338. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  339. Your true friends love you anyway.
  340. Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
  341. If love is not a game, why are there so many players?
  342. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
  343. Actions speak louder than words.
  344. The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
  345. Don't let the past hold you back, you'll be missing the good stuff.
  346. Life is short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
  347. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, and lucky to have.
  348. Some people make the world special just by being in it.
  349. Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us.
  350. When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.
  351. True friendship never ends.
  352. Friends are forever.
  353. Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
  354. Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
  355. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
  356. Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
  357. Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.
  358. Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.
  359. Smile! It makes people wonder what your thinking.
  360. The meaning of life is found in the journey, not the destination.
  361. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
  362. In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
  363. A friend is someone who loves you even when you hate yourself.
  364. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't have fun all the time.
  365. Parents spend the first 2 years of our life teaching us how to walk and talk. Then they spend the next 16 telling us to sit down and shut-up.
  366. A person is rarely worth your tears. Those who are will never make you cry.
  367. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
  368. Somewhere there is someone who dreams of your smile. Someone who finds your presence worthwhile. So when you are lonely remember its true, somewhere there's someone who's thinking of you.
  369. You can only go as far as you push.
  370. May there be peace within you today. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
  371. People want the Front of the bus, the Back of the church, and the Center of attention.
  372. BIBLE: Basic Information Before Leaving Earth
  373. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  374. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
  375. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  376. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  377. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
  378. The biggest difference between a girlfriend and a wife is about 45 pounds.
  379. The biggest difference between a boyfriend and a husband is about 45 minutes.
  380. A divorce is very expensive because it's worth it.
  381. Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
  382. Keep your words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them.
  383. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
  384. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
  385. We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
  386. To ignore the facts does not change the facts.
  387. Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
  388. No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
  389. If you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
  390. The less time you have, the more you get done.
  391. Never buy a car you can't push.
  392. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  393. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
  394. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  395. The flies have conquered the flypaper.
  396. You never know what twist will open the jar.
  397. The farther you look back, the farther ahead you can see.
  398. Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
  399. There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
  400. Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
  401. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
  402. Never ask a man the size of his spread.
  403. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
  404. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop digging.
  405. Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco.
  406. Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
  407. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  408. Always drink upstream from the herd.
  409. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
  410. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  411. The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
  412. When you're throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
  413. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
  414. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
  415. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  416. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
  417. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
  418. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  419. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  420. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
  421. A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  422. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that  can be recalled by their maker.
  423. It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  424. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  425. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
  426. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  427. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
  428. When blondes have more fun do they know it?
  429. Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
  430. Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.
  431. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  432. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
  433. If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
  434. Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
  435. Time's fun when you're having flies. ..Kermit the Frog
  436. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  437. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  438. Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  439. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
  440. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
  441. Alabama state motto: “At least we're not Mississippi”
  442. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  443. Gun control: using both hands
  444. The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
  445. The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
  446. Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist".
  447. The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
  448. If you’re gonna drive, drink. Face the traffic with confidence.
  449. Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up!
  450. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance.
  451. To err is human. To forgive is highly unlikely.
  452. After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.
  453. The problem with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  454. In about 40 years, we’ll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels. Yikes!
  455. Rebooting is the act of kicking somebody in the butt twice.
  456. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  457. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  458. A penny saved is a government oversight.
  459. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
  460. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. . .
  461. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  462. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
  463. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  464. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
  465. Don’t believe everything you think.
  466. Don't let your mind wander. It may be too small to be out on it's own.
  467. Life is too short to dance with ugly men.
  468. Life is too short to dance with ugly women.
  469. There will always be prayer in public schools if there are tests.
  470. Speak well of your enemies. After all, you made them.